Written by Piper Jack Willis
Born Kirkhill 1928
Ex Cameronian
National Service 1946-48

Stranraer's Secret Super Loo

I have travelled near and far
By sea, air and motor car
I've seen some toilets old and new
Then I found your super loo
 
A vase of flowers stands at door
There's not a stain upon the floor
With soap and towels to wash you hands
And music played by pop group bands
 
This sorry fact gave me the gripes
Because I like the sound of pipes
So do not stand around and gape
Please put on a Scottish tape
 
They are tourists from a foreign land
Who have never heard the sound of Shand
So give to them a Scottish feel
Let them hear a Scottish reel
  
Note: sent an old tape to the local council but don't know if they played it.
 



A Passionate Plea
 
At Buchanan Street there is a square
Where buses leave for Perth and Ayr
They have tearooms, shops and sliding doors
And lovely new terrazzo floors
 The toilets they are nice and bright
Though its twenty pence to have sh**e
Twenty pence you will agree
A hefty price to have a pee
 
As I approached to get relief
I stopped and thought - good grief
A gate locked safely on the latch
With turnstiles like a football match
 
When you are old with greying hair
On buses you get a cheaper fare
So Mr Blades please hear my plea
and let me have a cheaper pee
 
Note: I wrote to Mr Blades depot manager but was told that they only rent the depot.
 


Jack's Juggernaut
 
Jack who's on the straight and narrow
Has built himself a brand new barrow
With wood he had but never bought
He built a two wheel juggernaut
 
It's four feet long and two feet wide
A pram wheel turns on either side
This tale is true it's no mistake
A funeral it could undertake
 
Of mahogany shafts there is a pair
An odd bolt here and odd screw there
With all these parts screwed up tight
It can carry lots of peat or sh***
 
The pushing on this great big cart
Puts quite a strain on Jack's old heart
Like Scrooge he rubs his hands with glee
No fuel to buy or MOT
 
Note: I built this barrow with wood salvaged from area of Spittal pit.
 
 

The Poison Dwarfs

 Hackles come in every hue
Yellow, green and also blue
But the wee hackle pure dead black
Is worn so proudly by old Jack (me)
 
That little hackle black as night
Has seen many a battle and private fight
Like that big battle of high renown
When the Cams dismantled Minden town
 
They wrecked the shops, saloons and bars
The set alight Mercedes cars
They hospitilised ten German men
Who had upset the Riflemen
 
This tale is true, no made-up story
The covered themselves in bloody glory
So from Minden town they now are banned
Stone cold sober or really canned

The End